Akatsuki go Back to school
by AkatsukiZSama
Summary: What happens when Pein decides to hire a teacher to educate the other members? Well, it can't be good. Written in play format, because some friends and I were going to acctually do a play on it... rate and review, please give some tips, I'm new to this. X


**Akatsuki Go Back to School!!!**

**Main Characters:**

**All of the akatsuki;**

**Pein(Leader), Konan, Orochimaru(Rarely), Hidan, Kakuzu, Sasori, Deidara, Tobi(Madara Uchiha), Itachi Uchiha, Kisame Hosigaki, Zetsu.**

**The teacher…. Riza-Sensei (aka, me, the author!XD) DUNDUNDUN!!!!**

**Episode 1: Never too late.**

**Pein:** Akatsuki, at attention, front an' center!!!

**All other Akatsuki (Except Orochmaru and Sasori):** Oi!

**Pein:** It has become very clear that all of you are in serious need of a better education…

**All other Akatsuki:** Oh no… *mumbling and griping*

**Pein: **Shut the fuck up!!! I will have no complaints, as I have secured the best teacher for all of us, or at least, the best one possible.

**Kakuzu:** Just how much did this 'teacher' say his costs were.

**Pein: **As long as food and boarding are offered, we pay nothing.

**Kakuzu:** And just where does this teacher plan on holding classes?

**Pein: **Remember that extra room we always had, it was always too big for a bedroom, yet too small for anything else?

**Hidan:** You mean the one I used to do my rituals in?

**Pein:** Yes, that one. All of you will clean it out before the teacher gets here, and have it nice and tidy, or else… *Glares at them all*

**Itachi:** Leader-sama… We are all S-Ranked killers and what not… why do we need a better education?

**Pein: **Well, you all have less of an education than that fucking third-grader who had the nine-tailed fox in him, for one.

_*Crickets chirping and everyone sweat-drops…*_

**Pein:** Alright you all, clean out that room, and if it passes inspection, you will all get cookies.

**All other Akatsuki:** COOKIES!!! YAY, LOL!!! XD

**Pein:** Dismissed!

_*All other Akatsuki clean out the Classroom, and then eat cookies with milk, while Pein paces the floor…*_

**Pein:** What is taking so damned long?!?! That teacher was supposed to be here an hour ago!!!

_*Doorbell rings…*_

**Kisame:** I got it… *Opens front door* WOW!

**Pein:** Who is it?

**Kisame:** Either it's a lost hooker, or a girl from that hootchie place down the block!

**Strange woman:** I am neither, you pathetic excuse for an aquatic predator!

**Pein:** Shit! Kisame… She must be the teacher!!! Ohshitohshitohshit….

**Strange woman: **That I am. Iruka-Sensei was supposed to be coming… *Everyone else sweat drops* But he said he could not be affiliated with you. I am Riza Kitoya, but you all will refer to me as Miss Riza, or Riza-sensei… understood?

**Akatsuki:** Yes, miss Riza.

**Riza:** Good. I am tired tonight, so I will make up assessment tests in the morning, which you all will take at noon. They will be handed in before lunch, and then I will grade them and record the scores, thus getting your grade levels to you before we start the next morning.

**Pein:** Okay…..

**Riza:** Where may I sleep? *Walks into the living room where everyone else is, takes off her coat*

**Akatsuki:** *nose-bleeds all over the floor*

**Deidara:** Hey, Leader-sama… isn't there a room next to mine that is open?

**Pein: **No you shit head!!! *gets whacked up-side his head by Riza*

**Riza:** There will be no cursing, swearing, or use of profane language when I am residing here, got it?

**Hidan:** My religion does not allow that I get an education where I cannot swear, miss Riza.

**Riza:** Well then, I suggest that you find another alternative to cursing, won't you? And I can tell that you are lying, Jashinism only does not allow that you create… *Smirks* but since you are not enrolled in my class as of yet… Detention will just have to wait.

**Pein:** Alright, well miss Riza… I will show you to your room.

**Riza:** Thank you very much.

_*Pein leads Riza away while the other Akatsuki stay seated…*_

**Itachi:** Wow… now that was scary…

**Hidan:** Kakuzu, I'm afraid of that woman…

**Deidara:** She can't be all that bad, un.

_*Pein re-enters*_

**Pein:** Gawd… that woman is awful…. Akatsuki… go to bed, we're all gonna need our sleep…

_*All Akatsuki retire to their respective rooms.*_

_The next day. All Akatsuki awake to find Riza cooking in the kitchen._

**Pein:** Miss Riza… what are you doing?

**Riza:** Well, if you want to do your best on the assessments, one must have the proper breakfast… so I am cooking a good, wholesome breakfast for you all.

**Pein:** How thoughtful….

**Kakuzu:** Damnit, woman!!! You're wasting money!!!

**Riza:** What did I say about cursing, Kakuzu? When the assessments are done, you will go into the classroom, and write on the board twenty times, 'I will not swear.' Got it?

**Kakuzu:** What!?!?

**Riza:** Besides, If you want to get a high score on you test, you need a full stomach. So you will eat and be grateful I even care.

**Kakuzu:** *sighs* Yes, Miss Riza.

**Riza:** Good, any more complaints?

**Pein:** *looks around* Nope.

**Riza:** Alright. Breakfast is ready, so eat up. I have some assessments to finish. * leaves after dishing out the food*

**Deidara: **Well, at least she can cook good, un.

**Tobi:** Tobi likes teacher lady!!! Tobi thinks she's pretty.

**Itachi:** Shut the fuck up, moron.

**Hidan:** Don't let Miss Riza hear you…

**Kakuzu:** Too late…

**Riza:** *re-enters* Itachi, you will join Kakuzu in the class room, and write on the board twenty times, 'I will not Swear.' *Leaves to do the assessments.*

**Itachi:** Ohmygawd.

**Hidan:** Sucks to be you two….

**Pein:** Lets just eat in peace.

**Zetsu:** I kind of like her… she appears very intelligent and **good to eat.**

**Konan:** You will not eat Miss Riza, okay Zetsu?

**Zetsu:** Of course not, Konan.** But I really really think that she'd taste good.**

**Kisame:** At least she can cook better than any of us…

_*Akatsuki finish breakfast and Riza calls them into the classroom…*_

**Riza: **Alright, the assessments are ready, and I am going to do role call to make sure no one decided to skip out. Pein?

**Pein: **Here.

**Riza:** Konan?

**Konan:** Here

**Riza:** Itachi Uchiha?

**Itachi:** Here.

**Riza:** Kisame Hoshigaki?

**Kisame:** Here.

**Riza:** Hidan?

**Hidan:** Here.

**Riza:** Zetsu.

**Zetsu: Here.** Here.

**Riza:** *unphased by Zetsu's two voices.* Tobi?

**Tobi:** HERE MISS RIZA!!!!

**Riza:** Yes, thank you. Deidara?

**Deidara:** Here, un.

**Riza:** Kakuzu?

*Not here.*

**Riza: **Well, he must love detention.

**Kakuzu:** *Bolts into the room, panting* Geez, sorry. I was counting my money and forgot…

**Riza:** That's nice. However, you are still late, and you will write on the board twenty times, 'I will be prompt to all classes.' When you and Itachi serve detention, understood.

**Kakuzu:** Yes, Miss Riza….

**Riza:** Alright. *Passes out assessment tests* Finish these, and bring them to me when you are done. If you do not know the answer automatically, then choose what you think is best. After that, you may do as you'd like until I come out with the grades.

**All Akatsuki:** yes, Miss Riza.

_*Akatsuki members all finish the tests before one o' clock, and eat lunch. They go to the living room, and are watching a new episode of Naruto Shippudden, when Riza comes out of the classroom with the results…*_

**Riza:** I am very disappointed.

**Hidan:** Oh no…

**Kakuzu:** How horrid…

**Itachi:** Kakuzu tried to cheat off of me…

**Pein:** …

**Kisame: **What? I did nothing…

**Tobi:** Tobi is a good boy!

**Deidara:** Shut up, un. The teacher wants to speak.

**Zetsu:** Miss Riza **I brought you an apple.**

**Riza:** Thank you, Zetsu.

**Konan:** …

**Deidara:** Shut up Tobi, un.

**Riza:** Alright now, quiet. It has come to my attention that you all are in serious need of special education resources… *Holds our test scores*

_ASSESSMENT TEST GRADES:_

_**PEIN**__ – 4__th__ Grade_

_**KONAN**__ – 5__th__ Grade_

_**ITACHI**__ – 4__th__ Grade_

_**ZETSU**__ – 5__th__ Grade_

_**KISAME**__ – 3__rd__ Grade_

_**KAKUZU**__ – 2__nd__ Grade_

_**DEIDARA**__ – 4__th__ Grade_

_**TOBI**__ – 1__st__ Grade_

_**HIDAN**__ – 2__nd__ Grade_

**Tobi:** Yay! Tobi won!!! What did Tobi win?

**Deidara:** 1st Grade is bad, un. I knew you were stupid.

**Riza:** Now, Deidara… Tobi is not stupid, he is just impaired. The fact that ninja really do not value education beyond fighting skillsputs you all at a great disadvantage. Now say you're sorry, or else you will be joining Kakuzu and Itachi in detention.

**Deidara:** I'm sorry, un.

**Tobi:** … Sempi is sorry for what?...

**Deidara: **For calling you stupid, un.

**Tobi:** I knew it!! Sempi really does care about Tobi!!! *Hugs Deidara*

**Riza:** Awww. See? Now isn't that better than detention?

**Deidara:** *Big sweat drop* Un. (Yeah, for you noobs.)

**Riza: **Well, seeing as the range of grades isn't that big, I will start working with Tobi, Hidan, and Kakuzu, to get them up to the 3rd Grade. Once there, Kisame will have to join in on the daily sessions. Then Pein, Itachi, and Deidara will be brought in at 4th Grade, after which Zetsu and Konan will start off at 5th Grade. Okay everyone?

*Everyone nodds*

**Riza:** Good. Now, Kakuzu. Itachi. Please return to the classroom and serve detention.

**Itachi and Kakuzu:** Dang. *Return to the classroom*

**Pein:** Miss Riza, what will the rest of us do now?

**Riza:** Well, we could always play a team-building game. I don't really know a whole lot about you all, and you know next to nothing about me… what do you all think?

**Kisame:** Sounds fun.

**Deidara:** Beats sittin' here.

**Tobi:** Oh oh! Tobi loves games!! Can Tobi start? Please, Miss Riza?

**Konan:** Gawd, this is boring just sitting here… I guess…

**Pein:** … --_--'

**Hidan:** Uh… okay, I guess…

**Riza:** Good. We will play Pass the Potato. The person who starts will get this hacky sack, *Pulls a hacky sack out of her purse* and they have to say one thing about themselves that no one else knows about them. Then they will call on another person and toss it to them. A quick note before we start: When throwing, your aim is NOT to kill the person to whom you are throwing the sack, just get it to them. Oh and, choose someone who is not sitting next to you. Now lets all sit in a circle. *Akatsuki follow her orders and she hands the sack to Tobi* Begin! * takes a seat in the circle next to Tobi.

**Tobi:** Tobi likes flowers! Zetsu-sama! *Tosses it to Zetsu*

**Zetsu: I like to **read romance novels. *Riza sweat-drops* Hidan. *Tosses it.*

**Hidan:** I have a stack of play-boy magazines under my bed. Kisame. *Tosses*

**Konan:** I knew it… gawd how could he hide it from Kakuzu?

**Kisame:** I like sushi. *Everybody sweat-drops* Konan. *tosses*

**Konan:** I like to read Icha Icha Paradise. *Pein glares at her* Pein. *tosses*

**Pein:** I wondered where that went to…. I eat squid. *Tobi snickers* Deidara. *Tosses*

**Deidara:** When I was five, I found out my mother was a prostitute from Bangladesh. Riza.*tosses*

**Riza:** I can hack a computer in under five seconds. Time!

*Itachi and Kakuzu enter the room, fingers sore and chalky*

**Riza:** Hey you two! Wanna join us?

**Itach and Kakuzu:** Sure. *Sit down next to their respective partners*

**Konan:** Kakuzu, you owe me twenty bucks. Hidan admitted that he actually has porno mags under his bed.

**Kakuzu:** Aww crap… *Hands over the money while Hidan explains to him about the game. Kisame fills Itachi in.*

**Riza:** Ready? Kakuzu. *tosses*

**Kakuzu:** I really suck at gambling. Itachi. *Tosses*

**Itachi:** I do love my little brother. Now what?

**Riza:** Has everyone gone? Alright, you all can be dismissed to do what you want…

_*Riza excuses herself to bed and admonishes that the 1__st__ and 2__nd__ Graders get some sleep soon as well. Kakuzu, Hidan, and Tobi all go to bed early, while the others all stay up well till 1:00am. Episode one END.*_


End file.
